HoldingtheCards Page 7
She had settled for loneliness, after Jonathan. In order to get the intimacy she craved, she had to deal with the demands and shortcomings of the guest invited to join her. She wanted the fantasy of a stranger spooning around her in her sleep, cradling her protectively against his body. Somehow they would know nothing and yet everything about each other, having connected far beyond the level of conversational inanities, those pathetic, required attempts to get to know one another in less than two hours over drinks.
It was the “required” that had turned her away from the opportunities that had presented themselves. “Had to” was what you did as an obligation, the price of admission, and putting a price on the rare gift of intimacy…well, it was no longer a gift then, was it? Gifts were offered from love, affection, inspired by your lover, an offering at the altar of their presence in your life. She didn’t inspire that in anyone anymore. Right now, she corrected herself fiercely, unwilling to fall into that dark abyss.
The worry was there, though, that she was too tired to play hide and seek for love anymore. Maybe that was why the natural order of things was to marry and have children in your early to mid-twenties. It was something about the approach of thirty. You just ran out of whatever juice it was to play the games to get into a meaningful relationship. Once you reached thirty, all you wanted was to wake up and find love and a lifetime commitment beside you. The hunter instinct had dulled, and you were ready to reap and sow. Only the field was fallow, nothing planted and growing.
But she didn’t have to worry about that here, did she? She held the card. Anything she wanted. She knew firsthand that some things couldn’t be had, the most precious things, just by ordering them. But something in Josh’s gaze pulled the hunter instincts reluctantly out of her heart, and she thought maybe she could…just for tonight…
She had stolen glances at Josh while he was playing the board game, brief snapshots that kindled her inner heat. His mane of sun-streaked hair tied back on his shoulders. The oddly out-of-character tattoos layered over sleek muscle. A silver earring, a simple loop in his left lobe, also not quite him. Still shirtless, just in jeans. At one point, he had rubbed his eyes a bit, and then pulled a pair of wire-rimmed glasses from his pocket to help him focus on the board. The unconscious lack of vanity, the boyish charm when he gave her a quick smile, the serious cast the glasses lent his expression as he studied his next move, had been at once sexy and endearing. It had been all she could do not to draw him into her embrace, hold his head to her breast as tenderly as a mother and then ravish him with the ferocity of a she-lion.
“You said,” she cleared her throat. “That we should play this game like children. The fate of the Universe in the balance, and absolute trust in our companions.”
Marcus was putting away the board, but he lifted his attention at her quiet words. He nodded.
Lauren looked back at Josh. His knee had stilled and he could have been a stag in the forest, watching her through foliage so thickly interlaced she could not see the shape of him, only the force of his presence by his liquid eyes, gleaming through the flickering shadows of the candlelight.
“I want you both to stay here tonight,” she said, and she made herself look at Josh as she said it, for she sensed it was important for him, more than Marcus, to see her face. He was more afraid of the intentions of this game. “I want you to sleep with me, in my bed.” Now she did shift her gaze to Marcus, to ensure he understood her. “And I mean sleep. I don’t want to be alone. Will you do that?”
Translation: Do you understand me? Can I trust you? Will you play the game we all hope isn’t a game? Can I believe, at least for tonight, that somewhere out there are people willing to comfort and nurture, love us and build us up instead of drain us, who won’t rip our hearts from our chests and laugh at us?
It was as clear in those four words as if she had shouted it, if they had the proper sensitivity to hear it.
“A pleasure,” Marcus agreed lightly. “Lisette has a king-sized mattress just down the hall. Josh has a bed of nails over two miles away, provided we don’t fall off these excuses for trails into a ravine to die a slow, lingering death. A slumber party is the perfect end to a perfect night.”
She chuckled, and eased her grip on the stem of her glass. Josh’s quiet, steady gaze was an unsettling but satisfying answer on its own.
“Er, since you probably don’t have any pajamas in our size,” Marcus cocked a brow, “Does the lady have preference on sleepwear for her life-sized teddy bears? Or will just fur do, for those of us who have it?”
“Oh,” Lauren considered the problem and lifted a shoulder. “Whatever you’re most comfortable in is fine with me.”
The double entendre was intended, if a bit juvenile, and the flash of humor in Marcus’s eyes was as instant as the flame in Josh’s.
Lauren felt shy suddenly and tried to shake off the feeling. She levered herself up, removing her foot from its pedestal of pillows to test it on the floor. It was already feeling better and she suspected she’d be able to walk competently, albeit cautiously, by the following morning. “Well, then, I’m going to hobble back to the bathroom, take a bath and get ready for bed. Just leave the kitchen, I’ll take care of it tomorrow.”
“No, don’t worry about it, I’ll do it, since I didn’t have to cook,” Marcus waved a hand at her. “Josh’ll make sure you get to the bedroom safely.”
“Oh, you don’t need to—”
“I’m sure, but you’ll agree it would be good for you to have an arm to grab if you lose your balance,” he advised, taking her glass from her hand and giving her a wink. “Darling, if you have two men at your beck and call, do I really have to tell you to take advantage of them?”
“Well, I’m sure the two of you had more important things to do with your day than to rescue a crazy naked woman from a tree.”
The two of them exchanged a look. “I can’t think of a thing more important than that,” Josh grinned. He rose and came to her side, scooping her up in his capable arms. “I like carrying you,” he confessed before she could protest. “I haven’t…” he stopped, and regret passed across his face, but he finished the thought. “I haven’t had the chance to take care of a woman in awhile.”
“And you like that?” she asked.
“I need that,” he said simply.
Chapter Eight
Josh carried her down the hall, being careful not to let her feet hit the wall as he turned the corner.
Lisette’s bedroom was as welcoming as the rest of the house, dominated by a bed with a wrought iron headboard, sculpted with a design of leaves and branches that brought to mind the forest that surrounded the house. The quilted spread and plethora of tapestry pillows made it into a nest, an impression furthered by soft green Berber carpet, natural wood panels covering the walls and the lack of windows in the room. As in every other part of the house, the clay and wood offerings of her artistic neighbors created an intriguing journey for the eye. The lighting was purposefully kept dim to enhance the effect of a place to escape and put the heart and mind at ease. Lisette, with her infallible sense of wit, called it The Womb.
“I’ll just leave you here,” Josh crossed the carpet and turned on the light in the bathroom with a dip and slight upward jerk of his elbow. She could see the spacious bath with its sunken Jacuzzi tub, surrounded by porcelain, silk flowers and stone fountains.
Josh sat her down at the vanity and turned a brass handle on the Jacuzzi controls. It brought the fountains to life, the hot water flowing over their rock foundations and through brass sculptures to give the fairies and butterflies carved into their design life, with artful placement of light and its reflection off the moving water.
“Do you need me to bring you anything?” He nodded toward the fountains. “They’ll fill up the tub in a few minutes, and you can use that control to turn the flow of the water into the separate channel drain, so the fountains will keep going but the tub won’t overflow. It’s programmed for 106 degrees.”
Josh chuckled. “Get serious. I’m the one who programmed it for her. You know she can’t even operate a blender without supervision.”
Lauren grinned. “I know. But I was hoping to get a rise out of you.”
“Believe me, you’ve done that more than once tonight.” His eyes clouded. “I’m sure you know it.”
Lauren’s brows drew together on her forehead. “Josh, I’m sorry. I’m not…I mean…” She sighed as the tension in his jaw eased into impassivity, and she felt something slipping away. She almost lunged after it, scrabbling like a starving dog for a scrap, but she’d been in that hell before and knew where it went. “I’ve had fun tonight,” she said, her fingers knotted, restrained in her lap. “But it wasn’t at your expense. I just haven’t enjoyed someone’s company…just enjoyed, for awhile. And Marcus made it sound so easy to trust, like we’ve been doing. I guess, …” Her words died, “I guess I wanted to believe…” She didn’t seem capable of developing the cynical skepticism she had certainly earned the right to have. She should be pulling out the armor that this moment of withdrawal seemed to call for.
She looked up into Josh’s eyes and was startled to see a vulnerability that did not match the bitterness of his words. That fragility reminded her of a child, waiting with his hands down for the next blow, believing somehow in the miracle that the next touch from a clenched fist would be a caress.
He dropped to one knee in front of her, covering her twisting fingers with one callused palm. “You weren’t wrong,” he said. “I’m sorry. Forgive me.”
She suspected they both had been slogging through a dumpsite of emotions for so long they were unbalanced to find they had stepped into a fragrant garden. They should probably just turn and retreat, not drag the stench and offal clinging to them into it. However, like all lost souls, they were desperate for the sunshine and earth that could be found in fertile ground.
How could she not forgive him? His warm skin over her knuckles was making her itch to touch. And he made it worse, the way his gaze lingered, hungered, but he made no further attempt to touch her. She understood the primitive nature of what lay behind his eyes.
“Hold still,” she said softly, wanting to test it. “Put your hands at your sides.”
Josh studied her, blinked once, that sensual mouth twitching at one corner. He took his hands from hers, lowering them to his sides as he knelt before her.
Lauren reached out and slid her knuckles along the curve of his neck, trailed her fingertips in the hair that lay on his shoulder. A breath shuddered out of her at the adrenaline that surged through her veins. Her palm flattened against his pectoral, just over his heart. She raised her gaze from avid appreciation of the line of his ribcage and flat abdomen, to the stillness of his face, the lion rising in his eyes. It was masculine power that could overwhelm her, but for now was held in check. She leaned forward, breathing along his jawline. She placed a gentle kiss, just a soft brush of lips, against the corner of his mouth. “Forgiven,” she murmured.
She sat back, taking her touch away, and looked at him. A rueful expression twisted his firm mouth and he made to rise.
“No.” She took his hand.
“You’re killing me,” he muttered, and she nodded, simple unrepentant acknowledgement of her power over him.
“Marcus said it was my card. Do you trust me?”
“How could I not? You’re like…” he lost the train of thought as he stared into her steady blue eyes, and she loved him for it. “It’s your card,” he murmured. “I’ll do whatever you want me to do.” And the bleakness was back in his face.
“Josh, what did she do to you?” she said softly.
A sigh escaped his lips, just a breath, and she saw his eyes close. He bent forward on his one knee, laid his cheek alongside her calf, and brushed a kiss just above her ankle. Then, his back curving, he went lower, to the insole, his lips parting so he nipped some of her skin in the moist caress. He stayed there, without kissing her further, his jaw pressed against her leg.
Lauren lowered her hand and stroked his hair, somehow understanding that he would not rise until she bade him to do so. Her eyes moved along the bare ridge of his spine, the way his hair beneath her fingers fell along his shoulders and forward, curtaining his profile from her.
“Lauren.” It was a whisper. “I can’t tell you—”
“Hush.”
* * * * *
Josh wasn’t sure if she said it in reaction to his statement or as an answer to it. But he quieted, compelled by a strange yearning to let her hold the reins. It created a nervous anticipation in him that intensified how much he wanted her. If she had thrown open the gates to him, he might have leaped upon her, filled his hands and mouth with her like a savage animal. But with that gentle command, that “hush”, the wildness was reined in, even as it was stoked to a higher pitch. Being given the hope of touching her was almost more overwhelming than having her, in that perverse way that a small bite of the finest Belgian chocolate was more tempting than a one-pound bar of the same.
Whereas a moment before he would have fed upon her body like a lion tearing into fresh blood, now he ached fiercely for permission to press his lips alongside her knee, or even the bridge of her dainty foot again.
“Keep your eyes down,” she said in that same soft voice, velvet-covering steel. She rose, using his bare shoulder to steady herself. He swallowed, audibly, as the silk robe pooled around her feet, the sash falling over his shoulder.
“If you look up, I will be very angry,” she murmured. Her fingers ran beneath the hair at his nape, and he made a sound, guttural in its passion. “I won’t let you sleep in my bed tonight.”
His lids had twitched, wanting to test her resolve, but at that, they stayed locked down, keeping his eyes focused on her bare feet and the slender curve of her ankles. He wasn’t sure if Marcus had anticipated her turning the game in this direction. He knew he hadn’t, with her soft, vulnerable eyes and pink mouth, a mouth with lips he would have given anything at this moment to lick and suck until they were full and moist, the way the secret folds between her legs would be at the same form of ministration. He wanted…hell, he wanted to look at her, had to look at her.
“Don’t test me, Josh,” she warned, as if she could read his mind. She chuckled when he swore, inventively, and the music of it caressed his ears the way her hand was doing to his neck. If she had yanked on his hair or sharpened her tone, he might have laughed it off, sparred with her will, but it was the sheer gentleness of her voice, weighted with command, that kept him obeying. “I want you to close your eyes and stand up.”
He complied and stood, keeping his hands at his sides, though his palms were so hot he suspected they’d burn her fair skin, turning it as red as if he’d laid her over his knee and spanked her round, sweet ass.
His whole body went rigid with cold horror. Jesus, where the hell had that thought come from?
He turned away from her because he had to open his eyes, had to break away from that line of thought, and get away. “Lauren, I can’t…I have to—”
“Josh,” her fingers circled his wrist, delicate as flower stems. He could have broken free with a mere pressure, but her soft touch was as effective as a manacle of iron. “It’s my card.” There was a hesitation, a slight, uneven inhalation of breath. “You won’t do anything wrong, as long as you obey me. And I command you to stop thinking of anything other than pleasing me. If you think of anything else, I will make you sleep…naked, here on the cold tiles, until all you can think of is how warm my bed would be. How warm my body would be, wrapped around yours. Close your eyes and face me.”
* * * * *
He could not know how it felt to stand there and watch him, his head hanging low in despondency. His back expanded with short breaths, his fists clenched to fight demons that she well knew couldn’t be fought with fists, even those as capable and
strong as his were.
She didn’t understand what was compelling her at the moment. Seeing him fight with himself against the power of an invisible chain made her hot, aroused, and perversely overwhelmed with tenderness for him. Maybe it was the sense that he desperately needed someone to take the reins and make him face the pain that Marcus had merely hinted was haunting him. Or maybe this was revenge on Jonathan, pushing Josh to the breaking point, to bring out the emotion and vulnerability she could never summon from Jonathan.
No. No. Double no and hell no. She did not want to punish Josh. She would not allow Jonathan to turn her into Prometheus, manacled to a rock where uncertainty would eternally tear at her vitals, such that every man she met would be pushed to breaking to prove something to her that could never be proved. It felt good to be doing this. It felt right.
It always feels that way at first. The internal voice had poison in its nasty tone, and it had a quick effect. Her shoulders dropped, and she bit back a sigh. “Josh, you don’t—” she began in a near whisper.
He turned to face her, his eyes closed as she had instructed. The rest of her words died as his hand reached straight out and caught her fingers, forming a link that prevented either of them from tumbling off a cliff of destructive memories.
“Good,” she managed, re-centering herself. She cleared her throat. “Lift me,” she said, “and carry me to the tub. I’ll tell you when you’re there.”
“I don’t want to trip and hurt you.”
Lauren reached up with her free hand, drew her finger along his lined forehead, tracing her nail over each closed eyelid. “You won’t.”
She stepped closer, just a space away from having her bare breasts pressed against his slightly damp chest, and slid her arm up to his neck.